Dear Tommy.

Even if I don't know you, I find you extremely exhausting. Not only because you've been brainwashed by Mr. Scientology yourself, but also because you are tremendously annoying.
It all started on Oprah. I wondered if someone had let a monkey in a blender loose on that sofa. Can monkeys jump that high, and do they actually think Katie Holmes is a sexy skank?
The fact that you named your daughter (are you even sure she is yours? She looks more like James Van Der Beek to me) Suri is not acceptable (sounds like raw fish...And that's just plain gross). Maybe that's why you love the Beckhams so much? At least you have strangely nausiating babynames in common. There was a time when people thought you were sizzling hot (well mostly women, and the random fag), but that was during the 80's. Hot is now something you will only find in your Weber Grill.
You told Katie not to say a peep during the birth of Sushi. And you were absolutely right to do so. You should by all means follow your religion, and we all know that it's a pure joy for women to give birth. After all, that's what we were placed on earth to do...
I sallute you Tom. You haven't managed to turn Becks into all your hocus-pocus crap (yet), but that is merely because he is not as smart as you...

Yours sincerely


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